我们的孩子在一种关系的背景下发展。他们通过我们如何行动和对他们做出反应学习如何行动。一个好的父母就像一个好老师，就像一个好老师应该像一个好父母。因此，毫不奇怪，父母最困难的挑战是对孩子的行为设置限制。设置限制不是惩罚。惩罚只有当限制通过。处罚应该被认为是当一个限制本身不起作用时取走的东西。我们需要教导我们的孩子，所有的情绪是自然的和可以接受的，甚至愤怒。我们需要教他们是如何表达和调节他们的情绪。
限制的目的是：
调节情绪;
发展自我控制;
教导他们成为自主;
4.理解正确的行为。
所有这些目的是相互交织的。一个可以调节自己情绪的孩子将会发展自我控制，因此是一个更自主的个体。当他们有为他们设定的限制，他们将内在一种社会正确的行为的感觉。
你可能听说过棉花糖测试，这是一个在20世纪60年代和70年代进行的着名测试。在这个测试中，孩子们被给了棉花糖。面试官告诉他们，他需要走出房间几分钟。他们告诉孩子他们可以吃棉花糖现在，但如果他们等待，他们将被给第二个棉花糖当他们回来。测试不仅旨在测试孩子的自我调节能力，而且还要考察那些能够自我调节的孩子是否在生命后期更成功。你看，研究人员在18年后跟踪了家庭。他们测量每个孩子的生活质量。他们有什么工作，他们的工资是什么，他们是否能够保持稳定的健康关系，以及其他几个因素。那些能够自我调节的儿童在所有这些领域的得分持续上升。
还有许多其他测试和游戏来检查孩子的自我调节能力。你可以玩“红灯，绿灯”只举一个例子。设置限制的重要性是记住解释你的原因。当孩子感到他们有理性和公正的限制，他们不感到局限，而是他们安全和自由。当给予适当的限制时，孩子们可以自由探索。
设置限制是一个过程：
首先，你需要听他们。找出他们为什么不适当地行事。问题是什么。
第二，承认他们的感觉。像我们前面所说的，感觉是自然的。不要让他们因感情而感到不适或有罪。
第三，识别（姓名）他们的感觉。说，“我可以看到你感到悲伤”或“看起来你很生气”或“我知道你喜欢和你的朋友一起玩，不高兴你必须离开。
第四，澄清，有理由（不只是，“我这样说”），为什么你需要设置极限。基本原因是保持你的孩子安全或防止他们做社会不可接受的行为。
第五，用选择来解决问题。你可以告诉你的孩子，“我知道你不想穿你的手套，但你必须或你的双手将握住你可以告诉我你要穿什么手套你可以穿你的绿色手套或你的蓝色手套“。如果你的孩子坚持不穿手套，他们可能会试图妥协与你。他们可能会说：“妈妈，我可以带上我的手套，如果我的手冷了，只能戴上手套吗？由你决定是否要和你的孩子谈判。允许他们在决策过程中有发言权可以做很多验证。
最后，你需要遵循你的极限。如果你不对他们采取行动，你的孩子将永远不会跟随他们。如果你的孩子拒绝所有的选择，你可能必须强迫他们做必要的。在这一点上，你可以告诉他们，“我可以看到你需要帮助这样做，我会帮你穿上你的外套。
Our children develop in the context of a relationship. They learn how to act by how we act and react to them. A good parent is like a good teacher, just like a good teacher should be like a good parent. It is no surprise then that the most difficult challenge for a parent is setting limits on their children's behavior. Setting limits is not punishment. Punishment only comes when limits are passed. Punishment should be thought of as taking something away when a limit by itself doesn't work. We need to teach our children that all emotions are natural and acceptable, even anger. What we need to teach them is how to express and regulate their emotions.
The purpose of limits are to:
1. regulate emotions;
2. develop self-control;
3. teach them to become autonomous;
4. understand correct behavior.
All of these purposes are intertwined. A child who can regulate their emotions will have developed self-control and therefore be a more autonomous individual. When they have had limits set for them they will have internalized a sense of socially correct behavior.
You may have heard of the marshmallow test, it was a famous test conducted in the 1960s and 70s. In this test children were given a marshmallow. The interviewer told them he needed to step out of the room for a few minutes. They told the child they could eat the marshmallow now, but if they waited they would be given a second marshmallow when they returned. The test was not only designed to test a child's ability to self-regulate, but also to see whether those children who were able to self-regulate had more success later in life. You see, the researchers followed up with the families 18 years later. They measured the quality of life of each of the children. What jobs they had, what their salary was, whether they were able to maintain stable healthy relationships, and several other factors. Those children who were able to self-regulate were shown to consistently score higher in all of these areas.
There are many other tests and games to check a child's ability to self-regulate. You can play "Red-light, Green-light" to name only one other example. The importance thing when setting limits is to remember to explain your reasons. When a child feels they have rational and just limits they don't feel confined, rather they safe and free. When proper limits are given children will feel free to explore.
Setting limits is a process:
First, you need to listen to them. Find out why they are acting out inappropriately. What is the problem.
Second, acknowledge their feelings. Like we said earlier, feelings are natural. Don't make them feel bad or guilty for having emotions.
Third, identify (name) their feelings. Say, "I can see you are feeling sad" or "It looks like you're upset" or "I know you like playing with your friends and are not happy that you have to leave."
Fourth, clarify, with reasons (not just, "I said so"), why you need to set the limit. The basic reason is to keep your child safe or to prevent them from doing socially unacceptable behavior.
Fifth, resolve the situation with choices. You can tell your child, "I know you don't want to wear your mittens, but you have to or your hands will get hold. You can tell me which mittens you want to wear. You can wear your green mittens or your blue mittens." If your child is persistent in not wearing the mittens, they may try to compromise with you. They may say, "Mom, can I bring my mittens and only put them on if my hands get cold?" It is up to you to decide whether you want to negotiate with your child. Allowing them to have a say in the decision process can do a lot to validate them.
Lastly, you need to follow through on your limits. If you don't act on them then your children will never follow them. If your child refuses all their choices then you may have to force them to do the necessary. At this point you can tell them, "I can see you need help with doing this. I am going to help you put on your coat."
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